Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no