Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Why I divorced her.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.