Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

one week till the election

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

😂😂

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

damn he’s good

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train