Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
bout dat hot dog summer
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Perfect.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Hmm 🧐
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?