Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.