Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
No laws when master is gone
