Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake