waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
happy mother’s day❤️
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.