Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

🙂🐾

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well