waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever