Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call