Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo