Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

HELP 😭

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

I’m not wrong

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.