Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

same bro

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.