Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.