Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

I love it

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science