Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.