Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
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Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters