Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.