Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

“Huge”.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.