Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
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What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?