Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
What do you text your spouse?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
