Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
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guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I am never leaving this website
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.