Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos