Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.