Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.