WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly