Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Canada has crack?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?