waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be