Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.