waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
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American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Revenge served cold
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out