waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
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My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!