waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
You Might Also Like
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Hey I worked for it too!
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.