Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
That de-escalated quickly
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside