Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

My dog after a walk in the woods.

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.