@LMFOFL

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

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@stephenjmolloy

Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”

Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”

@causticbob

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

@ScottLinnen

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

@lecalabara

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

@daddydoubts

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

@StillJessLS

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

@climaxximus

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

@Dawn_M_

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

@dsmitty62

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!