-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”