Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

Cake!!

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”