*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
britain’s three elite institutions
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it