Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??