Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Blew out my flip flop…

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back