Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.