Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
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How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it