Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“We will wed,” I threatened
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”