Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.