Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.