Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

🤫

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.