Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Day 2 of my diet

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it