Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perfection.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

ouch

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”