Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

This billboard speaks to me

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it