Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

sugar glider wrangler

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.