Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”