Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific