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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what