WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Can’t stop laughing
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.