WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m putting together a team
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*