Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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