WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks