Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Not today

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

I get distracted pretty eas

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.