Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.