waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
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It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.