Waiter: say when Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: *clears throat* Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: uhh Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: lady are you ok? Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: Me: *buried under a mountain of Parmesan* ok that's great thank you

After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
[flashback]
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

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