Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.