Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters