Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?