Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel