Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops