WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
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Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Sign at work today
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now