Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.