waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
me logging onto twitter
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad