waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
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Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Fights fire with marshmallows