Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

starting a garage orchestra

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

What an awful time to have common sense.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.