Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩