Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

bad news gang

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Yoga Matt

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.