WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
was Jim off killing horses or…
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)